I’m a bit indecisive at times. What this often translates to is me hesitating for a long time while I deliberate the pros and cons of whatever it is I’m putting off. Eventually what happens is I’m forced, one way or another, to make a decision or take some kind of action. And I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that I’m going to give you an example of just that very phenomenon. And you’d be right.
Up until a week ago, I’ve had a bit of a bad run. First, a guy I’d been dating ended our relationship rather unceremoniously a couple weeks ago. I was shocked, hurt, angry, and confused to tell you truth. He had sworn everything was great right up until he ended things. I felt his reasons were unjustified and I hated that he denied me the opportunity to defend myself. Then I was embarrassed, because while it was very ‘uncool’ to break up with someone the way he did, being the person on the receiving end felt so… pathetic. I tried to be grateful for all of it: for the relationship while it lasted and also for the fact that it was over. But I was still furious and hurt.
Shortly after that, I was offered a contract to teach ESL (English as a Second Language) abroad. Perfect timing, right? No excess baggage to worry about. But upon reading the contract, the location being offered was in a remote location two hours away from the city I’d been promised. Having experienced the isolated-foreign-city lifestyle once before, and having expressed early on in the process that I did not want to go through it again, I turned down the contract (of course after having posted in celebration on social media). I felt I’d been bamboozled. One more disappointment and, due to my hasty posting, one more embarrassment. It got harder to remain positive; harder to be grateful, but I tried. I tried to put away my anger and replace it with faith. What I was really doing, though, was covering up my anger in an attempt to cope and appear as though I was handling everything ‘well.’
On Monday, as I was making a dash to answer the door for a friend, I felt a ‘pop’ in my calf. I had pulled a muscle or two and now was forced to move incredibly slowly, painfully, and deliberately. (Laying still with my leg elevated, however, was painless… There’s a message in that somewhere.) At this point I was angry. So during my friend’s visit, as we chatted and caught up with each other, I proceeded to just unload how angry I was with the Universe for throwing all this stuff at me. She bought me a drink to help distract me (thanks Jess), but it didn’t work as well as I’d hoped. After she went home, I realised that I was more upset with myself for having created this reality with my negative, sometimes subconscious, thought patterns. Plus I was unhappy with the general direction of my life.
That was it. I knew I had to change something, because now my mental anguish was manifesting itself physically and I had – quite literally – hurt myself. So I referred to Louise Hay, as I often do. In one of her books she writes of one affirmation to deal with issues in our muscles. “I experience life as a joyous dance.” Well, I certainly had not been feeling very joyous about my life. And that was precisely the problem. This affirmation points to a great analogy – life as a dance! I’ve never heard of a dance that only goes forward. They go forward, backward, side-to-side, even up and down and in dizzying circles sometimes. But my general attitude toward dancing is that it’s fun! I enjoy it and I feel good doing it and I never get concerned when things go wonky. In fact, half the time they’re supposed to go wonky. The other half of the time, you just fold it into the rest of the dance and it sometimes make the dance even better. Maybe it creates a new dance altogether!
So there it is. Not quite a happy ending, but for me a bit of a relief. When things go a little sideways, or even backwards, you don’t need to feel as though something’s gone wrong. The reality is, that’s just how things go. And if that’s just how things go, then it can’t be wrong, can it? It just means you’re doing exactly what you’re supposed to be doing, all the time. There is no reason you and I can’t view, experience, and enjoy life the same way we do dance (or music, or art, or stories come to think of it)… and every reason why it’s such a good idea. It’s time and energy much better spent, don’t you think?
All my love,